The ‘Honeymoon Period’ is the best part of ANY relationship……or…so they’d have you believe!
The ‘Honeymoon Period’ is the early part of a being a ‘couple’, where you actually do nice things for your partner…..like…..make them a cup of tea without moaning…..or, run them a nice bubble bath after a hard day at work…..or, tell them they look nice…..or, nip home during the day and have hilarious, awkward, and slightly disappointing sex whilst laughing hysterically……you know…..that kind of shit.
Fun shit…..
However, the ‘Honeymoon Period’ doesn’t last too long……because soon……you’re taking each other for granted….and, farting on the settee whilst giggling to yourself as she pulls her t-shirt over her nose to avoid the smell….or, quickly giving her a swift peck on the cheek (face cheek…..not, arse cheek) as you rush out of the door on you way to work…..or, walking around the house in your unsexy baggy white underpants (me) or over-washed, comfortable, grey pajama bottoms (Elle)…..
Now…..this doesn’t mean you don’t love each other…..far from it……being THIS comfortable with your partner is the PEAK of any relationship…..forget about the crappy, superficial ‘honeymoon period’!
REAL intimacy means…..allowing your partner to look at a painful boil placed between your balls and your anus (yes, this HAS happened)….or, spending 20 minutes rubbing lavender scented oil into tired, aching arthritic hands whilst listening to your partner moan incessantly about how shit work is…..
On top of this….the addition of two kids makes any chance of ‘sex based intimacy’ a virtual impossibilty…..and, any time me and Elle try to steal so much as a hug in the kitchen, we instantly get joined by a semi-naked 8 year old girl who insists on forcing her way inbetween us……or, a jealous dog that tries to dry hump your leg as you seek a millisecond of ‘quality time’.
Then….when we DO get a bit of time to ourselves, we usually end up in bed at about 10pm because we’re so bloody knackered all the goddamn time…..
And, ANY suggestion of ‘sexy time’ is swiftly avoided like the plague, via a number of pre-planned excuses including:
“I’m too bloated from dinner”
“I haven’t shaved my legs”
“I can’t be bothered to wash my cock”
So, tonight…..I’m planning a full-on ‘intimacy assault’…..
My Elle hasn’t been feeling too great recently….so….once the kids are in bed…..i’m going to make her a nice cup of tea….get her an orange flavoured Kit Kat and massage her painful limbs before microwaving her wheat bag and packing her off to bed for an early night.
However….in return….I expect my talon-like toenails to be clipped post-haste….
……and a blow job wouldn’t go amiss either!
pilchardrabies 