Six Month Blog Anniversary – Pilchard Rabies Review

As I explained yesterday, this is my LAST EVER daily blog entry…..and….as from today, I’m moving to writing a weekly blog instead….the weekly blog entry will probably appear on a Sunday night…..at around 8pm…..or, whenever I fucking feel like it…..

Stop putting me under pressure!

However……I MIGHT well add in a FEW bonus blog’s depending on whether anything tickles my fancy (or annoys me)….I’ll see how I feel….

FOR GOD’S SAKE, STOP PUTTING ME UNDER SO MUCH PRESSURE!

Anyway, if you missed any of my blog’s this month……here’s what you missed:

I began June by spending a kings ransom on under-cooked ‘ponce‘ food at the Wychwood Music Festival (thankfully, I made my money back by stealing £40 worth of stuff from the Waterstones tent), then, Michael Douglas got cancer from eating too much pussy, and gave me an opportunity to write a joke about oral sex.

Then, Elle lost her car keys, and a lovely, relaxing morning turned into a stress filled hate-a-thon (PS – As of today, Elle STILL hasn’t found a ‘safe place’ for her keys, as I saw our Bridie wandering around with them this very morning!).
Edie made fruit kebabs with a PINT of chocolate orange dipping sauce and then, we experimented to see if olives and Pickled Onion Monster Munch went with with the sauce…..it didn’t…..it was vile!

In a flash of comic inspiration, I made a wonderful joke about curry…..although Elle just rolled her eyes at me (you can’t please everyone!).
I had a good moan about being a fat, tired old fucker, and wondered how two children from the same gene pool could be SO DIFFERENT!

My parents sent irritating text messages, and Elle told us off at tea-time for dipping a naan bread into beer/cola.
I cooked a giraffe, I REALLY hated Monday’s and I found out I was technically a ‘Northerner’.

I found an elephant in my room (I love you Towelly), and Edie told all of her school teachers about my ‘unsightly boil‘…..then, I got frustrated with a huge erection (unfortunately, NOT my own!).

I shared my Top 5 ‘Strangely Fuckable‘ women…..Edie told me I looked like ‘Daddy Pig‘, and, I sat through 30 minutes of the world’s WORST miming on Father’s Day.

My hay fever allergies kicked in, and then, I shared the story about when I shit myself at the gym.

It turns out that our Bridie can talk to animals, and, our Elle laughs really loudly when old people fall over (and, their false teeth fall out).
I found a porno mag whilst walking the dog….I negotiated with Bridie when it looked like she was going to smash the Google pad…and, we wasted £65 on two settees that STINK OF FAGS!

I upset Edie by showing her a You Tube video of Disney Princesses heads exploding….and, then, I broke my ‘Golden Rule‘ of allowing work colleagues befriend me on social networks.

Finally, Bridie farted into my mouth….a man with 10 stone testicles appeared on my TV and put me off my evening meal….and, I met a weird bloke on the internet who I’m going to write a sitcom with.

So…..in a nutshell….it’s been another eventful month…..culminating in me moving from writing daily bollocks to writing weekly bollocks.

I’ll hopefully see you back here again……

If you do, I promise i’ll tell you the story of when I accidentally ejaculated into a black girls handbag……

Love you…….

Bye! x

It’s Not You, It’s Me……

Look…..this has been fun (maybe not for you…..but, it has been for me)……it’s nothing personal……I still love you.

But, the thing is…..I’ve kind of met someone else….

He’s tall (ish), he’s super healthy (he cycles every day), he’s relatively handsome (in a ‘pointy/angular‘ way), he’s moderately intelligent……but…..above ALL else, he’s really funny….and, fortunately, he appears to like my fart jokes……which is good…..as I’m about to embark on a long term writing ‘project‘ with him!

So…..I can’t see you anymore…..at least not every day, like I do now.

I’m sorry……but that’s the way it has to be…..it’s not you……it’s me!

Don’t cry…..
Please don’t cry…..
You’ll set me off in a minute….

I SAID STOP CRYING YOU FUCKING IDIOT!

Thanks……

So…..on December 30th 2012, I challenged myself to write a daily blog…..and, I said i’d do it for a full year…….and…..as of Sunday, I’ll have done exactly 6 months of my 12 month sentence.

But, I just can’t commit to the new project AS WELL as maintain a stable relationship with my Mrs and kids, and, work FULL TIME, AND, write a daily blog……there’s just not enough hours in the day!

So, hopefully, you’ll have enjoyed at least 1 or 2 of my posts over the last 6 months……I fully accept that the quality of my writing has been ‘variable‘…..but, daily writing is MUCH harder than you think……you judgemental bastard!

Anyway, after tomorrow’s ‘6 Month Review‘, Pilchard Rabies will be moving to a weekly blog, in order to attempt to write a sitcom script with: http://maninhispyjamas.com.

But….if our writing project should falter…..then, like Arnold Schwarzenegger in the Terminator……”I’ll be back…..”

In the mean time, thanks for reading my blog, thanks for sharing my blog, and thanks for giving me the confidence to embark on a project that I’ve been wanting to do for over 5 years!

I love you!

Ta. X

P.S. – Keep coming back to read the weekly entries…..or, I’ll kill you.

What’s Happened To TV?

When Sir John Logie Baird (you see….it’s funny, because it sounds like ‘John Yogi Bear‘) came up with the idea to invent the television in the 1920’s, I’ll bet that he could’ve never imagined that almost 100 years later, we’d all be watching a show about a black man with unfeasibly large bollocks.

Earlier this week, I had the displeasure of watching, “The Man With The 10 Stone Testicles“.

Now….you might find this hard to believe, as the title of the show was pretty confusing…..but….in a nutshell…..it was a documentary about an American man who had a ball bag that looked like a huge black space hopper…..or, a giant un-cracked walnut….or, a black bin liner full of dead cats.

It was the most bizarre/disgusting thing I’ve ever seen…..and i’ve seen ‘Two Girls, One Cup‘.

Is it me? Or has TV changed a LOT in the last 5 years?

Every night, I flick through the channels….merrily eating my tea….

Then, all of a sudden, a giant spotty bell-end pops up onto my screen…..it’s owned by a man from Leeds…..he’s showing Dr. Christian his cock rash…..and, allegedly, he’s dreadfully ‘embarrassed‘ about it….but, clearly NOT embarrassed enough to stop him from showing his bright red knob glands on National TV…..in front of millions of people…..

Not five minutes later, Dr. Pixie pops up for a quick chat to a woman with a fishy vagina.

All of a sudden….I’m not quite so hungry.

So….I reach for the remote, and change the channel to something more appropriate…..how about, ‘The Sex Clinic’?

Marvellous…..I can now tuck into my evening meal, whilst watching an acne covered teenager get a cotton bud jabbed into his japseye.

Thankfully, I don’t have a 3d TV….because, the thought of having a pair of ‘10 Stone Testicles‘ dangling into my Cream of Tomato Soup makes me shudder.

At least I wouldn’t need any croutons…..i’d have scrotums instead.

http://gu.com/p/3gpvf

Never Munch A Naked Baby.

I don’t want to come off like a massive weirdo, but……

MY BABY DAUGHTERS SKIN IS SO INCREDIBLY SOFT, I LIKE TO RUB HER ON MY FACE LIKE A FLESH COLOURED BLANKET!

Yeah! You heard me right…..

AND…..SOMETIMES….WHEN NOBODY IS WATCHING….. I BITE HER!

Of course, I don’t bite her with my teeth….that would be cruel….I do it with my lips….like this:

“Nom, nom, nom, nom…..”

I can’t help myself….she’s just so munchable….she’s like a life size jelly baby….with her ‘pork sausage‘ arms, and, her ‘ham hock‘ legs, and, her buttocks……oh my god, her buttocks…..

Try to imagine if Beyonce was crossed with a Tunnocks tea cake…..that’s what her bum is like…….

No, really!…..shut your face!….just go with me on this…..OK?

Try to imagine a delicious Tunnocks Tea Cake….full of ‘cloud-like‘ fluffy marshmallow…..well, her bum has the exact shape of a Tunnocks Tea Cake….and, it’s as soft as marshmellow……however, it also has the firmness of Beyonce’s ‘bootylicious‘ butt……

So…..this evening….after her bath….a dripping wet, and fully naked baby ran around the lounge….her giant buttocks proudly jutting out….just asking to be munched…..

I chased her around the room….she was giggling….I was giggling…..I picked her up for a munch…..and blew a massive raspberry on her tummy…..she laughed….I munched her chubby face…..I munched her porky arms….. I chewed her meaty thighs….and, then I headed for the bum…..

I turned Bridie around, and munched her bum….

“Nom, nom, nom, nom……”

Bridie let out a huge giggle……I kept chewing,

“Nom, nom, nom, nom……”

She was still giggling…..and then….just as I opened my mouth, to take another munch……she let rip a giant ‘baby fart‘ directly into my open mouth.

DIRECTLY INTO MY WIDE OPEN MOUTH!

At that point, I instantly stopped munching her…..

Bridie ran off, giggling and farting…..

I walked off, moaning, and looking for my chewing gum.

That’ll learn me!

The Golden Rule

I’ve always had a ‘Golden Rule‘…..

My ‘golden rule‘ has ALWAYS been to NEVER EVER become Facebook ‘friends‘ with your current work colleagues.

This isn’t because I dislike my current work colleagues….quite the contrary……in fact, i’m really enjoying where I work at the moment, and the office based staff are some of the loveliest people you could wish to meet….(in fact, I may well do a blog about the differences between Brummies and folks from the Black Country….because, despite the close proximity….they’re REALLY different…..but, in a good way!).

Anyway….the real reason I made this ‘golden rule‘ is because I don’t like the thought of my current work colleagues knowing EVERYTHING about me…..and, as you’ll know if you read my blog on a daily basis, I don’t have MANY (ANY) secrets.

You see, it’s extremely difficult to maintain a serious conversation about a ‘loan proposal‘ when you know that the colleague you’re talking to, knows that you, a) ‘YOU SHIT YOURSELF AT THE GYM‘ (http://wp.me/p31fqD-s3) or, b) ‘YOU WONDER WHAT CELEBRITIES BEARDS SMELL LIKE‘ (http://wp.me/p31fqD-jV) , or, c) ‘YOU POSTED SEVERAL REVIEWS OF THE BABESTATION CHANNEL‘ (http://wp.me/p31fqD-8u).

I’ve always maintained this ‘Golden Rule‘ throughout my working life…choosing only to befriend people on Facebook from a safe distance….and ALWAYS once I’ve left the company.

Once i’m out of sight…..please feel free to laugh heartily at my of embarrassing incidents….it’s no problem….because, I CAN’T SEE YOU!

Most of the people who read this pile of old tits are usually ex-schoolmates (who live miles away from me, and i’ll NEVER SEE AGAIN), close friends (who know what i’m like anyway, and don’t care what I say), family members (who’ll love me despite the filth that emanates from my brain), or EX work colleagues (who i’ll NEVER SEE AGAIN!).

But, not anymore!

So….two weeks ago, I was chatting to a lovely lady (i’ll call her, Nicola….mainly because her name IS Nicola) who works in the Customer Service Team at my current employers head office……we got round to talking about ‘stuff we do in our spare time‘….and, I mentioned that I’d recently started writing a blog….she seemed interested….so…I contemplated making her my Facebook friend (thus breaking my Golden Rule).

I took the plunge….with the express intention of keeping it to ONE WORKMATE ONLY!!

Then…at the weekend, she cut her finger……and, she posted a picture of her cut finger on Facebook….and, I made the schoolboy error of ‘commenting‘ on her photo….

SHIT!

Within 24 hours, i’d been ‘friend requested‘ by another work colleague (Hello, Michelle!)
Within 72 hours, Pilchard Rabies had been searched on Google….

And today….as I walked through the office, I was called ‘Pilchard‘ on a number of occasions….

Even one of the heads of department pulled me to one side and asked me if i’d “managed to sell my baby walker to the polish woman at the car boot sale?!” (http://wp.me/p31fqD-ph)

Thankfully, I have a bright red face 100% of the time….so, he may not have been able to see my embarrassment…..but, I doubt it!

The thing is…I’ve always written this blog for a bit of a laugh….and, i’ve never really contemplated that people may ACTUALLY read it!

But, apparently they do…..

And now…..the cat is out of the bag…..I’ve been exposed!

So….to all of my lovely work colleagues…..please take everything I write on here with a BIG pinch of salt….deep down in my heart, I AM NORMAL…..I think?

Please don’t fire me!

I need this job!

Right…..I think that’s just about enough begging and arse kissing…..it’s time for me to crack on with some fart jokes!

Ta ra. x

My Disney Dilemma

Early this morning, whilst eating my breakfast, I came across this ‘fun’ clip on You Tube:

So….I thought it would be a great wheeze to show this clip to my eldest daughter in retaliation for 8 years of having to sit through hour upon hour of twee, Disney Princess bollocks.

Having two daughters means, that at any time, I’m only ever 30 minutes away from either seeing a Disney TV show or movie…..or being forced into singing the male part in ‘A Whole New World‘.

We have Disney Princess bath toys (http://wp.me/p31fqD-lK), we have Disney Princess dolls, we have Disney Princess books, and every manner of Disney Princess branded clothing from underpants to pyjamas!

It drives me friggin’ mental.

There’s only so much ‘Disney Princess wank‘ I can take, before I get to the point where I want to smash the kids entire DVD collection with a meat tenderiser, and then, dance naked around a huge bonfire of Disney toys, whilst watching Ariel’s face melt like a hideous grinning candle.

Don’t get me wrong…..I think some of the Disney Princess movies are brilliant (Brave, Beauty & the Beast, Princess & the Frog), but, when you’ve seen them all 50 FUCKING TIMES, it just gets too much for me to bear.

So….when I got home, I showed Elle the clip, to make sure she thought it was suitable (I have to do this, since I got caught out showing Edie ‘Jaws’).
Elle thought it was funny……so I called Edie downstairs to show her the clip.

In retrospect, I probably should’ve pre-warned Edie that a selection of her favourite childhood characters were all going to be killed in a series if noggin based explosions…….but, I didn’t…….

Bollocks!

Within 20 seconds of watching the Snow White portion of the clip, I could see tears forming in her eyes……..and, within 30 seconds, she’d run into the kitchen in floods of tears shouting, “I hate you, Dad“!

This was not the reaction I was expecting…..I genuinely thought she’d find it funny…..I’d completely misjudged Edie’s love for animated fantasy figures…..and now, I was the worst dad in the entire world.

Eventually, Edie calmed down, and I solemnly promised never to show her this clip EVER AGAIN!

But, even though i’d profusely apologised, and pinky promised not to talk about it again…..Edie CONTINUED to make me feel extremely guilty about defiling the sanctity of the Disney Corporation throughout the ENTIRE dog walk….she actually told me I’d performed, “crimes against Disney“, and I should be, “put in prison“!

In order to lighten the mood, I asked Edie who her favourite Disney Princesses were……she had a long think, and reeled off the following list:

1. Merida (Brave)
2. Mulan
3. Tiana (Princess & the Frog)
4. Rapunzel (Tangled)
5. Belle (Beauty & the Beast)
6. Giselle (Enchanted)
7. Cinderella
8. Jasmine (Aladdin)
9. Pocahontas
10. Ariel (The Little Mermaid)
11. Snow White
12. Aurora (Sleeping Beauty)

I asked….”Why is Sleeping Beauty your least favourite Disney Princess?”

Edie had a long think….and replied, “She’s boring….the film is boring…..and, the songs are terrible…..you can blow HER head up if you want!”

So…..in a nutshell…..it’s completely sacrosanct to blow up the head of a Disney Princess…..unless it’s Aurora from Sleeping Beauty……because, she’s shit!

Can Anyone Smell Fags?

If something looks too good to be true…..it probably is.

If Elle and I didn’t have bad luck….we wouldn’t have any luck at all….

Both of our settees are knackered.
Our black ‘sofa bed’ has collapsed and gives me a bad back when I sit on it for more than 10 minutes….and, the cream settee that my mom and dad gave us has been ruined by the kids…..cream coloured fabric and kids just don’t mix…

It was time for a change….but, we’re hamstrung by being on the worlds tightest budget.
A new settee is just not on the cards….we simply don’t have the spare cash….it’s simple as that!

So…we couldn’t believe our eyes, when an advert popped up on Facebay (A Facebook page created by local people to buy and sell items) for a 2 and 3 seater ‘leather‘ settee.

The advert stated, “£50…Leather Settee….Has to go this weekend!”
They looked ok on the photographs.
They looked clean…the cushions looked plump….there was a little bit of damage, but, nothing to write home about.

So, I sent Elle over to have a look at them last Friday night…..(Now, please bear in mind that last Friday had been an extremely stressful day….Bridie had been really poorly, and we were ALL incredibly stressed out and knackered).

So, Elle met with the young couple who were selling the settee……they were due to have a baby, and they were taking delivery of a new sofa from a family member, thus needing to get rid of theirs urgently.
Elle had a look at the sofas, and came back home to tell me that they were ‘alright’, and, ‘better than the ones we have now‘, and, ‘ok, for the time being’.

So, for £65 (£50 for 2 x settee’s and £15 delivery), it was a ‘no brainer’.
We emailed the people, and arranged to take delivery on Sunday afternoon.

Sunday arrived….and, Elle and I worked like stink all morning to clear out the hallway to make a pathway…..we also opened up all of the gates in the back gardens, in order to bring the new settee’s round the back and through the patio doors just in case we couldn’t get them through the front door.

A huge van turned up, I met the seller…we shook hands…we had coffee.
We removed our old settees, and dumped them outside…..in the pissing down rain.

We grabbed the new settees, and attempted to bring them in through the front door/hallway….within 30 seconds of moving the settee, I smashed my hand into the side of the radiator…instantly drawing blood….FUCKKKKKK!

What a brilliant start!

I was also finding it really difficult to grab the settees and move them….they were very slippy….and…. definitely DID NOT FEEL LIKE REAL LEATHER.

The reason they didn’t feel like real leather, was because THEY WEREN’T REAL FUCKING LEATHER!!!

I think the actual name for this material is ‘leather look plastic’…..but, we will call it ‘pleather’.

I mentioned the ‘pleather’ settee to Elle in passing, as she walked out of the front door to take the kids to a birthday party…..she looked shocked….”It’s real leather isn’t it?”, she said…..

“Is it fuck“, I said!

Anyway….the deal had already been made….we’d handed the cash over….our old settees were now rain soaked and covered in shit, so, there was absolutely no way we could ever bring them back in the house!

We got the settees into the living room, and, I said goodbye to the seller.

I had a quick rest, and then moved the new settees into position…..I tidied up, vaccuumed the carpet, mopped the hallway, and generally put the house back together.

Then, I took a well deserved rest on the new, plump ‘pleather’ settees.

After about 30 seconds, I thought, “What’s that funny smell?”

There was a musty, stale, and very unpleasant smell eminating from the settees….or was it me?

I wasn’t sure….

So, I texted Elle….”These settees smell weird”

She texted back…..”I’m gonna clean them down!!”

However, I don’t think she’d quite grasped the magnitude of the issue….so, I waited for her to come home.

The moment Elle walked walked through the front door, she said, “Uggggghhhhh….what’s that smell?”

“It’s the fucking settees, love“, I answered.

“That’s stale fags Rich“, she said….

Elle is an ex-smoker….so, if anyone knows what stale fags smell like….it’s her!

Now…the smell of these settees is SO STRONG, that all of our clothes reek of fags….so, now, the entire family smell exactly like Dot Cotton’s ashtray….

It’s absolutely foul….

This morning, we had to literally ‘Febreze‘ each other before we left the house.

So….in a nutshell….

We’ve wasted £65 on two plastic settees that stink of fags, and now all of us smell…..

We’re looking at the DFS web-site as we speak!

Bollocks!

Hostage Negotiation With A Baby

If you’re a regular reader of my blog, you may remember that several months ago I wrote about accidentally cracking the screen on my daughters ‘Google Pad’.

Clumsy Fat Idiot Breaks Tablet PC And Daughter’s Heart

She was rightly furious at me…..and, I was devastated (not so much for upsetting my beloved daughter….I was more upset that I just wasted £200 on a tablet PC that we’d only had for 3 months!).

Anyway….in the end, we managed to make a claim on the household insurance….and, after paying £100 excess…..we got her a new pad.

The rules for ownership of the new pad were, 1. It must ALWAYS be kept in the protective padded cover, and 2. It must ALWAYS be kept out of the reach of the baby!

Of course, nobody actually follows these rules…..and, the pad remains totally unprotected, and, usually left plugged in, in places that it shouldn’t be.

In addition, our Bridie loves the Google pad…..she is fascinated by the moving images, and she adores it when we switch the web cam on, and she can see herself.

Anyway…..yesterday, Edie and I were in the kitchen eating our lunch, and Elle was eating her lunch in the living room, with Bridie balanced on her knee.

Elle put Bridie down on the floor, and nipped into the kitchen to get a drink.

As she entered the kitchen, I turned around to talk to Elle…..and, out of the corner of my eye, I saw Bridie waving the Google pad in the air.
The pad was on the footstool charging up…..it was still plugged in…..so, she was tugging at the power cable to release it from its tether!

“Oh my God….Bridie’s got the pad“, I said nervously.

And, this is when the ‘negotiations‘ started……..it was like trying to tell a cornered bank robber to ‘put the gun down‘, and ‘back away from the hostage‘.

My heart was palpitating……but, I think that may be due to the blood trying to force it’s way past my furred up arteries.

I slowly got up from my chair, and moved towards Bridie…..

But, as I moved towards her…she moved towards me….thus, pulling the power cable tighter, and tighter, and tighter.

I stopped in my tracks….she stopped in hers……it was a face off.

“Bridie…..put the pad down on the floor, bab”

I kept my vocal tone low and spoke at a consistent pace……I tried to pretend that I wasn’t anxious….but, I was.

She didn’t move…..

“Bridie…..can you put the pad down? Copy daddy……”

I acted out the sequence of actions…..showing her what I needed her to do.

Bridie just stood there…..staring at me…..with the Google pad raised high above her head…..she looked like she was going to smash it on the floor.

I made the decision to switch to offering positive comments in order to encourage her to place the pad on the floor.

“Good girl Bridie…..nice and soft…..gentle….ahhhhhh…..nice and soft”

Again, this failed to work…..Bridie just looked confused…..the power cable was now pulled so tight, that you could hear the ‘twang’ as the tension increased.

She looked at me…….I looked at her…….we weighed up our options.

And, then it happened…..she’d had enough….her patience had worn thin…..her itchy trigger finger had got the better of her…….the negotiations were over……..

SMASH!

“Nooooooooooooooooooooooooo“, I yelled.

Bridie had thrown the Google pad down onto the hard floor……

“Jeeeeeeeesus Christ“, I shouted.

Bridie looked pleased with herself….and toddled off to play with some shards of broken glass that we’d left out for her.

Fortunately, the pad wasn’t broken…..it HAD come apart slightly in the top corner….but, I soon snapped it back together.

“Which bloody idiot left the pad charging up on the footstool?”, I said, as I stared angrily at my family.

“You did!”, said Elle……”Yeah Dad, it was you…..“, said Edie.

*There was a short pause as I contemplated my witty reply.

“Yeah…..well…..you two are smelly tramps…..so there!”

I was given 38 minutes of ‘time out‘ for being inconsiderate and unnecessarily rude to my family….

Plodding, Teething And, The Porn Goblins.

Earlier today, I went for a brisk walk with Bridie and Maisy…..I say, ‘brisk’, when what I REALLY mean is ‘plodding‘.

It was a ‘plodding‘ walk.

I ‘plodded‘.

Plod.

I like the word plod………PLOD!

We were ‘plodding‘, mainly because, our Bridie has been an absolute nightmare over the last 48 hours…..she’s teething….it’s painful….I GET IT!!
Her bloody teeth are taking an absolute age to come in……and, by the look of the constant pained expression on her little face, she appears to be pushing through a full set of titanium choppers like Jaws from James Bond.

She’s really not herself…..I don’t know who the hell she is….but, she’s not the happy baby I remember from last week.

She appears to have been swapped for little whining shitbag.

So, the upshot of this is that we’ve had about 2 hours sleep between us.

We’re both knackered.

So, that’s why I was ‘plodding‘……

We walked down towards the Kings Norton Nature Reserve at a snails pace…..in a tired hazy dream-like state.

When we got into the Nature Reserve we walked over the little bridge and, this is where Maisy stopped to release a selection of particularly firm stools.

I stooped down to collect the links of stinky turds in a bag, and, swiftly tied it up in preparation to chuck in the bin.

We walked around the corner, and I tossed the shit filled sack into the waste bin.

As the bag hit the bin, a familiar image flashed before my eyes….

Was that what I thought it was?

I moved closer…..

It was….

It was a photograph of a young lady stretching her vagina open:

I studied the pages intently (but, only for the purposes of this blog entry), and wondered how this ‘jizz mag‘ had ended up in a waste bin on a nature reserve?

I’ve owned lots of porn mags (Really, Rich? You do surprise me!)….but, I’ve never ONCE thought, “It’s such a lovely day, I might take this ‘stroke mag‘ down to the nature reserve for a quick ‘al fresco’ wank“.

I’d be interested to understand the sequence of events that led to this ‘spunk book‘ being disposed of in such an unusual, and random place.

Or, maybe, the porn goblins left it for a curious schoolboy to find on Monday morning?

The lucky little bastard!

If I’d have been a 13 year old boy, and happened to have walked past that waste bin earlier today…..I’d have jumped for joy at securing such a glorious bounty.

I remember when I was 13…..I found a rain soaked copy of ‘Razzle‘ in Dormy Drive on the way to school.
I snuck it back to the house, and dried it out…..

I then managed to retrieve a selection of ‘crispy‘ images…..including a page of ‘Readers Wives‘, where a bored looking lady called ‘Mary‘, from ‘Swansea‘ (I can still remember it to this day) posed in a badly decorated bedroom whilst offering up a large floppy breast to her nicotine stained lips.

It was the most erotic image I’d ever seen……until I borrowed a copy of Escort ‘Girls of Summer‘ from my friend Jonathan.

I think I still have it somewhere…..

I might nip down to the nature reserve later to leave it in the bushes for the next generation of curious boys.

You can thank me later.

You’re very welcome.

X

What’s So Funny?

So…..picture the scene:

An elderly gentleman is in a park with his grandchildren…..he casually climbs the ladder to the giant slide, and sits down at the top.
As he pushes his way down the slide, his trousers fall down exposing a pair of white underpants…..he falls to the ground at the end of the slide with a BUMP…..and, his false teeth come flying out.

An elderly lady is at a wedding…..she’s having a good time…..she’s doing the ‘can can‘ with a group of younger ladies.
As she kicks her legs in the air, she loses her footing, and topples backwards into a table containing a giant wedding cake.
The wedding cake slides off the table, and lands on the elderly lady’s head…..and, her false teeth come flying out.

Lastly……another old man is play fighting with a toddler……the toddler kicks the old man directly in the groin when he’s not looking, causing the old man to fall to the ground and curl up in the foetal position……as he cries in agony….his false teeth fall out.

As you may have guessed from my descriptions….I’m watching the popular ITV show, “You’ve Been Framed“.

I’m completely nonplussed…..and, i’m not laughing…..and….if anything, i’m actually a little bit worried…..what happened to the old lady when the cake fell on her head? Did she receive multiple skull fractures from the Royal Icing? Did they need to call an ambulance? Was the wedding ruined?

And, what happened to the old man who got kicked in the balls once the camera went off? Was the child beaten ceaselessly for disrespecting his elders? Did his grizzled old testicle get lodged in his stomach wall, only to then turn cancerous and ultimately kill him?

I dislike “You’ve Been Framed” for a number of reasons….but, the main reason is…..it makes me very anxious when I watch it…..I genuinely worry about the safety of the people involved in each clip.

However…..sitting next to me is our Elle….she’s not JUST laughing….she’s laughing SO HARD she’s actually crying.
In fact, it’s gone past the point of tears….she’s now gone into ‘silent laughter‘…..this is when she laughs so much, that just her shoulders move up and down.

I can’t stand it any longer, so I get up to make her a cup of tea……

Whilst I’m in the kitchen, the laughing gets progressively louder and, starts to sound like a witches cackle.
The constant laughter has now turned into snorks and guffaws…..like it’s the FUNNIEST THING IN THE ENTIRE UNIVERSE!

Elle has a long track record of this type of behaviour….

For example, If we’re watching a movie together, and I go into the kitchen to get a beer…..you can GUARANTEE she’ll ALWAYS laugh REALLY LOUD…..because, all of a sudden….it’s the fucking funniest part of the movie.
For the last 20 minutes, she’s sat there completely unimpressed with the film….but, as soon as I move into the kitchen….or, go for a piss, it’s…..

“HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAA!”

Why, Elle? Why do you do it?

The odds of EVERY film we watch together being side splittingly hilarious the exact fucking minute I leave the fucking room must be about 1,000,000 to 1…..it’s just not feasible.

STOP IT….

OR ELSE!*

*NB
Dear readers,
Please note, the above threat is a JOKE!
I’m NOT Charles Saatchi…..I will not be ‘strangling’ Elle in a ‘playful tiff‘ if she continues to guffaw uproariously at the TV and movies, whilst I’m out of the room….I’m just not that kind of guy.
A swift slap to the cheek with the back of my hand should suffice!**

**NB.NB
Dear readers,
Please note, the above comment about striking Elle is a JOKE!
Domestic violence is in NO WAY FUNNY.
In that way, domestic violence is a little bit like “You’ve Been Framed“.