So…..picture the scene:
An elderly gentleman is in a park with his grandchildren…..he casually climbs the ladder to the giant slide, and sits down at the top.
As he pushes his way down the slide, his trousers fall down exposing a pair of white underpants…..he falls to the ground at the end of the slide with a BUMP…..and, his false teeth come flying out.
An elderly lady is at a wedding…..she’s having a good time…..she’s doing the ‘can can‘ with a group of younger ladies.
As she kicks her legs in the air, she loses her footing, and topples backwards into a table containing a giant wedding cake.
The wedding cake slides off the table, and lands on the elderly lady’s head…..and, her false teeth come flying out.
Lastly……another old man is play fighting with a toddler……the toddler kicks the old man directly in the groin when he’s not looking, causing the old man to fall to the ground and curl up in the foetal position……as he cries in agony….his false teeth fall out.
As you may have guessed from my descriptions….I’m watching the popular ITV show, “You’ve Been Framed“.
I’m completely nonplussed…..and, i’m not laughing…..and….if anything, i’m actually a little bit worried…..what happened to the old lady when the cake fell on her head? Did she receive multiple skull fractures from the Royal Icing? Did they need to call an ambulance? Was the wedding ruined?
And, what happened to the old man who got kicked in the balls once the camera went off? Was the child beaten ceaselessly for disrespecting his elders? Did his grizzled old testicle get lodged in his stomach wall, only to then turn cancerous and ultimately kill him?
I dislike “You’ve Been Framed” for a number of reasons….but, the main reason is…..it makes me very anxious when I watch it…..I genuinely worry about the safety of the people involved in each clip.
However…..sitting next to me is our Elle….she’s not JUST laughing….she’s laughing SO HARD she’s actually crying.
In fact, it’s gone past the point of tears….she’s now gone into ‘silent laughter‘…..this is when she laughs so much, that just her shoulders move up and down.
I can’t stand it any longer, so I get up to make her a cup of tea……
Whilst I’m in the kitchen, the laughing gets progressively louder and, starts to sound like a witches cackle.
The constant laughter has now turned into snorks and guffaws…..like it’s the FUNNIEST THING IN THE ENTIRE UNIVERSE!
Elle has a long track record of this type of behaviour….
For example, If we’re watching a movie together, and I go into the kitchen to get a beer…..you can GUARANTEE she’ll ALWAYS laugh REALLY LOUD…..because, all of a sudden….it’s the fucking funniest part of the movie.
For the last 20 minutes, she’s sat there completely unimpressed with the film….but, as soon as I move into the kitchen….or, go for a piss, it’s…..
“HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAA!”
Why, Elle? Why do you do it?
The odds of EVERY film we watch together being side splittingly hilarious the exact fucking minute I leave the fucking room must be about 1,000,000 to 1…..it’s just not feasible.
STOP IT….
OR ELSE!*
*NB
Dear readers,
Please note, the above threat is a JOKE!
I’m NOT Charles Saatchi…..I will not be ‘strangling’ Elle in a ‘playful tiff‘ if she continues to guffaw uproariously at the TV and movies, whilst I’m out of the room….I’m just not that kind of guy.
A swift slap to the cheek with the back of my hand should suffice!**
**NB.NB
Dear readers,
Please note, the above comment about striking Elle is a JOKE!
Domestic violence is in NO WAY FUNNY.
In that way, domestic violence is a little bit like “You’ve Been Framed“.
pilchardrabies 