Never Munch A Naked Baby.

I don’t want to come off like a massive weirdo, but……

MY BABY DAUGHTERS SKIN IS SO INCREDIBLY SOFT, I LIKE TO RUB HER ON MY FACE LIKE A FLESH COLOURED BLANKET!

Yeah! You heard me right…..

AND…..SOMETIMES….WHEN NOBODY IS WATCHING….. I BITE HER!

Of course, I don’t bite her with my teeth….that would be cruel….I do it with my lips….like this:

“Nom, nom, nom, nom…..”

I can’t help myself….she’s just so munchable….she’s like a life size jelly baby….with her ‘pork sausage‘ arms, and, her ‘ham hock‘ legs, and, her buttocks……oh my god, her buttocks…..

Try to imagine if Beyonce was crossed with a Tunnocks tea cake…..that’s what her bum is like…….

No, really!…..shut your face!….just go with me on this…..OK?

Try to imagine a delicious Tunnocks Tea Cake….full of ‘cloud-like‘ fluffy marshmallow…..well, her bum has the exact shape of a Tunnocks Tea Cake….and, it’s as soft as marshmellow……however, it also has the firmness of Beyonce’s ‘bootylicious‘ butt……

So…..this evening….after her bath….a dripping wet, and fully naked baby ran around the lounge….her giant buttocks proudly jutting out….just asking to be munched…..

I chased her around the room….she was giggling….I was giggling…..I picked her up for a munch…..and blew a massive raspberry on her tummy…..she laughed….I munched her chubby face…..I munched her porky arms….. I chewed her meaty thighs….and, then I headed for the bum…..

I turned Bridie around, and munched her bum….

“Nom, nom, nom, nom……”

Bridie let out a huge giggle……I kept chewing,

“Nom, nom, nom, nom……”

She was still giggling…..and then….just as I opened my mouth, to take another munch……she let rip a giant ‘baby fart‘ directly into my open mouth.

DIRECTLY INTO MY WIDE OPEN MOUTH!

At that point, I instantly stopped munching her…..

Bridie ran off, giggling and farting…..

I walked off, moaning, and looking for my chewing gum.

That’ll learn me!

Happy 1st Birthday Bridie…..From Dad.

A year ago today, I stood in the delivery suite at Birmingham Women’s Hospital……panicking…..a lot.

After about 24 hours of intense labour, Elle eventually gave birth to our 2nd daughter (Bridie).

To be fair, the actual ‘birth’ part seemed to go really well, (from my point of view anyway….as I wasn’t me that had to push a giant baby out of my ‘bits’) in comparison to the emergency c-section i’d previously witnessed 7 years before, when our Edie was born.

And…..having witnessed to two different styles of birth….and, seeing what women have to go through….I will ALWAYS have absolute admiration for ALL mothers….because, giving birth looks and sounds EXTREMELY painful……nearly as painful as falling down several stairs and landing ‘back-first’ on a rock-solid baby gate (See previous blog entry: “Owwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww”).

So…..from a blokes perspective, the birth of a baby is a rollercoaster of emotions ranging from sheer terror, to panic, to concern, to not knowing what to do or say to make things better.

During both births, I desperately wanted to be a helpful, supportive ‘birth partner’….but, really, I ended up being a rather sweaty, pale looking hinderance that was about as much use as a cock flavoured lollipop.

However, the first moment when you hold that little blood-coated, shivering sack of bones in your arms….and, a tiny porky hand reaches out to grab your finger…..they have you.

It’s not love.

It’s MUCH more than that…..and, I’m not a good enough writer to even begin to try to explain the sensation and rush of emotion you feel towards this little ‘you’ you’ve created.

…….and, then it goes rapidly down hill from there.

So…..Happy 1st Birthday Bridie.

You’ve been a fucking handful to be totally honest……

But, you’re very, very cute…..and, you like cuddles…..and, you have legs like a jelly baby…..and cheeks like a hamster…..and, you make funny sounds that make me laugh……and, when i’ve had a shit day, and I come home…you look so cheerful, and that makes me really happy.

You squeeze my nipples…..you give me kisses with a wide-open….wet…mucus covered mouth, and I don’t care.

I went to work with your milky vomit down the back of my suit…..and, I smelt like cheese ALL DAY…..but, I didn’t care.

I got your filthy, dirty nappy poo smeared all over my arm and wrist and didn’t realise until I went to make some toast…..and that made me heave.

You don’t sleep…..you whinge….you want your mom ALL THE TIME…..you moan at me when i’m eating so that i’ll give you food off my plate…..you have to touch EVERYTHING…..and that drives me fucking insane.

But, I really, really love you, and your big, hairy sister with all of my cholesterol coated heart.

And…..that’s the double truth….

Dad….x