As I explained yesterday, this is my LAST EVER daily blog entry…..and….as from today, I’m moving to writing a weekly blog instead….the weekly blog entry will probably appear on a Sunday night…..at around 8pm…..or, whenever I fucking feel like it…..
Stop putting me under pressure!
However……I MIGHT well add in a FEW bonus blog’s depending on whether anything tickles my fancy (or annoys me)….I’ll see how I feel….
FOR GOD’S SAKE, STOP PUTTING ME UNDER SO MUCH PRESSURE!
Anyway, if you missed any of my blog’s this month……here’s what you missed:
I began June by spending a kings ransom on under-cooked ‘ponce‘ food at the Wychwood Music Festival (thankfully, I made my money back by stealing £40 worth of stuff from the Waterstones tent), then, Michael Douglas got cancer from eating too much pussy, and gave me an opportunity to write a joke about oral sex.
Then, Elle lost her car keys, and a lovely, relaxing morning turned into a stress filled hate-a-thon (PS – As of today, Elle STILL hasn’t found a ‘safe place’ for her keys, as I saw our Bridie wandering around with them this very morning!).
Edie made fruit kebabs with a PINT of chocolate orange dipping sauce and then, we experimented to see if olives and Pickled Onion Monster Munch went with with the sauce…..it didn’t…..it was vile!
In a flash of comic inspiration, I made a wonderful joke about curry…..although Elle just rolled her eyes at me (you can’t please everyone!).
I had a good moan about being a fat, tired old fucker, and wondered how two children from the same gene pool could be SO DIFFERENT!
My parents sent irritating text messages, and Elle told us off at tea-time for dipping a naan bread into beer/cola.
I cooked a giraffe, I REALLY hated Monday’s and I found out I was technically a ‘Northerner’.
I found an elephant in my room (I love you Towelly), and Edie told all of her school teachers about my ‘unsightly boil‘…..then, I got frustrated with a huge erection (unfortunately, NOT my own!).
I shared my Top 5 ‘Strangely Fuckable‘ women…..Edie told me I looked like ‘Daddy Pig‘, and, I sat through 30 minutes of the world’s WORST miming on Father’s Day.
My hay fever allergies kicked in, and then, I shared the story about when I shit myself at the gym.
It turns out that our Bridie can talk to animals, and, our Elle laughs really loudly when old people fall over (and, their false teeth fall out).
I found a porno mag whilst walking the dog….I negotiated with Bridie when it looked like she was going to smash the Google pad…and, we wasted £65 on two settees that STINK OF FAGS!
I upset Edie by showing her a You Tube video of Disney Princesses heads exploding….and, then, I broke my ‘Golden Rule‘ of allowing work colleagues befriend me on social networks.
Finally, Bridie farted into my mouth….a man with 10 stone testicles appeared on my TV and put me off my evening meal….and, I met a weird bloke on the internet who I’m going to write a sitcom with.
So…..in a nutshell….it’s been another eventful month…..culminating in me moving from writing daily bollocks to writing weekly bollocks.
I’ll hopefully see you back here again……
If you do, I promise i’ll tell you the story of when I accidentally ejaculated into a black girls handbag……
Love you…….
Bye! x
pilchardrabies 