Can Anyone Smell Fags?

If something looks too good to be true…..it probably is.

If Elle and I didn’t have bad luck….we wouldn’t have any luck at all….

Both of our settees are knackered.
Our black ‘sofa bed’ has collapsed and gives me a bad back when I sit on it for more than 10 minutes….and, the cream settee that my mom and dad gave us has been ruined by the kids…..cream coloured fabric and kids just don’t mix…

It was time for a change….but, we’re hamstrung by being on the worlds tightest budget.
A new settee is just not on the cards….we simply don’t have the spare cash….it’s simple as that!

So…we couldn’t believe our eyes, when an advert popped up on Facebay (A Facebook page created by local people to buy and sell items) for a 2 and 3 seater ‘leather‘ settee.

The advert stated, “£50…Leather Settee….Has to go this weekend!”
They looked ok on the photographs.
They looked clean…the cushions looked plump….there was a little bit of damage, but, nothing to write home about.

So, I sent Elle over to have a look at them last Friday night…..(Now, please bear in mind that last Friday had been an extremely stressful day….Bridie had been really poorly, and we were ALL incredibly stressed out and knackered).

So, Elle met with the young couple who were selling the settee……they were due to have a baby, and they were taking delivery of a new sofa from a family member, thus needing to get rid of theirs urgently.
Elle had a look at the sofas, and came back home to tell me that they were ‘alright’, and, ‘better than the ones we have now‘, and, ‘ok, for the time being’.

So, for £65 (£50 for 2 x settee’s and £15 delivery), it was a ‘no brainer’.
We emailed the people, and arranged to take delivery on Sunday afternoon.

Sunday arrived….and, Elle and I worked like stink all morning to clear out the hallway to make a pathway…..we also opened up all of the gates in the back gardens, in order to bring the new settee’s round the back and through the patio doors just in case we couldn’t get them through the front door.

A huge van turned up, I met the seller…we shook hands…we had coffee.
We removed our old settees, and dumped them outside…..in the pissing down rain.

We grabbed the new settees, and attempted to bring them in through the front door/hallway….within 30 seconds of moving the settee, I smashed my hand into the side of the radiator…instantly drawing blood….FUCKKKKKK!

What a brilliant start!

I was also finding it really difficult to grab the settees and move them….they were very slippy….and…. definitely DID NOT FEEL LIKE REAL LEATHER.

The reason they didn’t feel like real leather, was because THEY WEREN’T REAL FUCKING LEATHER!!!

I think the actual name for this material is ‘leather look plastic’…..but, we will call it ‘pleather’.

I mentioned the ‘pleather’ settee to Elle in passing, as she walked out of the front door to take the kids to a birthday party…..she looked shocked….”It’s real leather isn’t it?”, she said…..

“Is it fuck“, I said!

Anyway….the deal had already been made….we’d handed the cash over….our old settees were now rain soaked and covered in shit, so, there was absolutely no way we could ever bring them back in the house!

We got the settees into the living room, and, I said goodbye to the seller.

I had a quick rest, and then moved the new settees into position…..I tidied up, vaccuumed the carpet, mopped the hallway, and generally put the house back together.

Then, I took a well deserved rest on the new, plump ‘pleather’ settees.

After about 30 seconds, I thought, “What’s that funny smell?”

There was a musty, stale, and very unpleasant smell eminating from the settees….or was it me?

I wasn’t sure….

So, I texted Elle….”These settees smell weird”

She texted back…..”I’m gonna clean them down!!”

However, I don’t think she’d quite grasped the magnitude of the issue….so, I waited for her to come home.

The moment Elle walked walked through the front door, she said, “Uggggghhhhh….what’s that smell?”

“It’s the fucking settees, love“, I answered.

“That’s stale fags Rich“, she said….

Elle is an ex-smoker….so, if anyone knows what stale fags smell like….it’s her!

Now…the smell of these settees is SO STRONG, that all of our clothes reek of fags….so, now, the entire family smell exactly like Dot Cotton’s ashtray….

It’s absolutely foul….

This morning, we had to literally ‘Febreze‘ each other before we left the house.

So….in a nutshell….

We’ve wasted £65 on two plastic settees that stink of fags, and now all of us smell…..

We’re looking at the DFS web-site as we speak!

Bollocks!

The Delights Of A ‘Dirty Tea’……

The reason I’m fat is because I eat way too much…..plain and simple!

It’s not so much WHAT I eat….it’s more about the AMOUNT I eat…..that’s the real issue.

By and large, we eat pretty healthily as a family….however, MY portion control is ridiculous.

Have you seen that scene in Close Encounters when Richard Dreyfuss makes a mountain out of mashed potato??

That’ll give you an idea of my normal portion size……..

I probably have a similar diet to Henry the Eighth, and feel really cheated if my evening meal hasn’t contained a dead animal of some description.
Offer me a baked potato as my evening meal and you’ll get a look of derision….”I haven’t worked all day to come home to a fucking potato!”.
A baked potato is a ‘snack’…..not a main meal!
If a baked potato appears on my plate next to a juicy rib eye steak and a hot buttered corn on the cob…..then I’ll eat it……..otherwise…..stick it up your arse!

At the end of the day, I clearly have a massive problem with food, and I use it for EVERYTHING other than its main function…..’fuel for life’.

I use food as a treat…..and as a punishment…..and when I feel fed up…..and when I’m bored……and sometimes…..although very rarely, i’ll even eat when I’m actually hungry!

If my drug of choice wasn’t food, it’d be fags…..or drugs…..or booze…..or, a delicious cocktail of fags and drugs and booze….covered in syrup.

Still, having said all of that……we ALL partook in an unhealthy meal this evening.

We had what I refer to as a ‘dirty tea’.

A ‘dirty tea’ is a quick tea that normally comes from the freezer or contains three separate items……for example:

1. Faggots, mash and peas
2. Chicken, chips and beans
3. Fish Fingers, potato waffles and spaghetti hoops
4. Sausage, mash and peas
5. Gammon, mash and peas

A ‘dirty tea’ is the kind of meal my Mom would give me after school on a Wednesday……usually with bread and butter…..and ketchup…..
Fuck me…..no wonder I’m fat!
It’s ALL my Mom’s fault!

Anyway, this evening, we all had a ‘dirty tea’…….and, it was delicious!

We had homemade chips (skin left on with sea salt and mixed herbs) with a juicy pork steak and a side order of saucy baked beans.

Plus, a nice cup of tea, bread and butter, ketchup/sweet chilli sauce….take your pick.

I was a child again……..I was back in 1985…….

…..until Bridie decided to do a massive turd and the offensive stench/furious grunting bought me back to earth with a bang.

Now THAT truly was a ‘dirty tea’…..yummy!