It’s Not You, It’s Me……

Look…..this has been fun (maybe not for you…..but, it has been for me)……it’s nothing personal……I still love you.

But, the thing is…..I’ve kind of met someone else….

He’s tall (ish), he’s super healthy (he cycles every day), he’s relatively handsome (in a ‘pointy/angular‘ way), he’s moderately intelligent……but…..above ALL else, he’s really funny….and, fortunately, he appears to like my fart jokes……which is good…..as I’m about to embark on a long term writing ‘project‘ with him!

So…..I can’t see you anymore…..at least not every day, like I do now.

I’m sorry……but that’s the way it has to be…..it’s not you……it’s me!

Don’t cry…..
Please don’t cry…..
You’ll set me off in a minute….

I SAID STOP CRYING YOU FUCKING IDIOT!

Thanks……

So…..on December 30th 2012, I challenged myself to write a daily blog…..and, I said i’d do it for a full year…….and…..as of Sunday, I’ll have done exactly 6 months of my 12 month sentence.

But, I just can’t commit to the new project AS WELL as maintain a stable relationship with my Mrs and kids, and, work FULL TIME, AND, write a daily blog……there’s just not enough hours in the day!

So, hopefully, you’ll have enjoyed at least 1 or 2 of my posts over the last 6 months……I fully accept that the quality of my writing has been ‘variable‘…..but, daily writing is MUCH harder than you think……you judgemental bastard!

Anyway, after tomorrow’s ‘6 Month Review‘, Pilchard Rabies will be moving to a weekly blog, in order to attempt to write a sitcom script with: http://maninhispyjamas.com.

But….if our writing project should falter…..then, like Arnold Schwarzenegger in the Terminator……”I’ll be back…..”

In the mean time, thanks for reading my blog, thanks for sharing my blog, and thanks for giving me the confidence to embark on a project that I’ve been wanting to do for over 5 years!

I love you!

Ta. X

P.S. – Keep coming back to read the weekly entries…..or, I’ll kill you.

Can Anyone Smell Fags?

If something looks too good to be true…..it probably is.

If Elle and I didn’t have bad luck….we wouldn’t have any luck at all….

Both of our settees are knackered.
Our black ‘sofa bed’ has collapsed and gives me a bad back when I sit on it for more than 10 minutes….and, the cream settee that my mom and dad gave us has been ruined by the kids…..cream coloured fabric and kids just don’t mix…

It was time for a change….but, we’re hamstrung by being on the worlds tightest budget.
A new settee is just not on the cards….we simply don’t have the spare cash….it’s simple as that!

So…we couldn’t believe our eyes, when an advert popped up on Facebay (A Facebook page created by local people to buy and sell items) for a 2 and 3 seater ‘leather‘ settee.

The advert stated, “£50…Leather Settee….Has to go this weekend!”
They looked ok on the photographs.
They looked clean…the cushions looked plump….there was a little bit of damage, but, nothing to write home about.

So, I sent Elle over to have a look at them last Friday night…..(Now, please bear in mind that last Friday had been an extremely stressful day….Bridie had been really poorly, and we were ALL incredibly stressed out and knackered).

So, Elle met with the young couple who were selling the settee……they were due to have a baby, and they were taking delivery of a new sofa from a family member, thus needing to get rid of theirs urgently.
Elle had a look at the sofas, and came back home to tell me that they were ‘alright’, and, ‘better than the ones we have now‘, and, ‘ok, for the time being’.

So, for £65 (£50 for 2 x settee’s and £15 delivery), it was a ‘no brainer’.
We emailed the people, and arranged to take delivery on Sunday afternoon.

Sunday arrived….and, Elle and I worked like stink all morning to clear out the hallway to make a pathway…..we also opened up all of the gates in the back gardens, in order to bring the new settee’s round the back and through the patio doors just in case we couldn’t get them through the front door.

A huge van turned up, I met the seller…we shook hands…we had coffee.
We removed our old settees, and dumped them outside…..in the pissing down rain.

We grabbed the new settees, and attempted to bring them in through the front door/hallway….within 30 seconds of moving the settee, I smashed my hand into the side of the radiator…instantly drawing blood….FUCKKKKKK!

What a brilliant start!

I was also finding it really difficult to grab the settees and move them….they were very slippy….and…. definitely DID NOT FEEL LIKE REAL LEATHER.

The reason they didn’t feel like real leather, was because THEY WEREN’T REAL FUCKING LEATHER!!!

I think the actual name for this material is ‘leather look plastic’…..but, we will call it ‘pleather’.

I mentioned the ‘pleather’ settee to Elle in passing, as she walked out of the front door to take the kids to a birthday party…..she looked shocked….”It’s real leather isn’t it?”, she said…..

“Is it fuck“, I said!

Anyway….the deal had already been made….we’d handed the cash over….our old settees were now rain soaked and covered in shit, so, there was absolutely no way we could ever bring them back in the house!

We got the settees into the living room, and, I said goodbye to the seller.

I had a quick rest, and then moved the new settees into position…..I tidied up, vaccuumed the carpet, mopped the hallway, and generally put the house back together.

Then, I took a well deserved rest on the new, plump ‘pleather’ settees.

After about 30 seconds, I thought, “What’s that funny smell?”

There was a musty, stale, and very unpleasant smell eminating from the settees….or was it me?

I wasn’t sure….

So, I texted Elle….”These settees smell weird”

She texted back…..”I’m gonna clean them down!!”

However, I don’t think she’d quite grasped the magnitude of the issue….so, I waited for her to come home.

The moment Elle walked walked through the front door, she said, “Uggggghhhhh….what’s that smell?”

“It’s the fucking settees, love“, I answered.

“That’s stale fags Rich“, she said….

Elle is an ex-smoker….so, if anyone knows what stale fags smell like….it’s her!

Now…the smell of these settees is SO STRONG, that all of our clothes reek of fags….so, now, the entire family smell exactly like Dot Cotton’s ashtray….

It’s absolutely foul….

This morning, we had to literally ‘Febreze‘ each other before we left the house.

So….in a nutshell….

We’ve wasted £65 on two plastic settees that stink of fags, and now all of us smell…..

We’re looking at the DFS web-site as we speak!

Bollocks!

Huge Frustration At Giant Erection

Something has been annoying me….

Something VERY, VERY important….

And….I’ve been losing a lot of sleep at night over it….because…every day….when I walk the dog….I have to walk past this completely unecessary giant erection:

I mean….look at the SIZE of this bastard….what were the council thinking??

No word of a lie…..this thing has to be at least 12 foot tall…..and, I bet there’s another 2 foot of extra pole buried in the ground to help keep the fucker from toppling over!

The thing is….the ‘No Ball Games’ sign the Council have hung on it, is absolutely microscopic in comparison to the size of the pole…..it’s like a bloody postage stamp.

The pole/sign ratio is basically all to cock….

For a 12 foot pole….the sign should probably be about the size of a Persian rug!

My obsessive compulsive disorder kicks in EVERY TIME I walk past this huge metallic phallus….and, it makes me want to sneak out in the middle of the night….grab a sledgehammer….and knock it into the ground another 9 feet so that it looks ‘normal size’.

I wouldn’t mind, but, it’s a completely futile sign anyway…..for starters….the ground is so tiny, there’s NO WAY you could possibly play a proper game of football…..plus, there’s a massive tree in the way…so if you DID play football, you’d probably keep running into the trunk…..plus, the grass verge lies next to an extremely busy main road….so, any child flouting the ‘no ball games’ rule, probably deserves to get hideously injured in a freak milk float accident!

And, because I know you’ll care JUST AS MUCH about this giant pole as much as I do….I decided to give you more of a size reference on this ridiculous steel rod……so, I ‘forced’ my 4 foot tall daughter to stand next to it for a photo.

SEE! I TOLD YOU DIDN’T I!!

It’s ridiculous isn’t it?

Or….is it just me?

Oh….I see…..it IS just me…..

Sorry to bother you.

There’s An Elephant In My Room

I stopped away from home last night.

We had a team meeting in Cockermouth (You see……It’s funny because it sounds like ‘Cock In Mouth’…..but, you knew that.) which, for those of you who failed GCSE Geography is located in the Lake District (Cumbria).

It’s truly a beautiful part of the world….as long as you don’t mind living miles away from ALL civilisation….and, you don’t mind having to drive 10 miles to get a pint of milk from the ‘local’ Spar shop.

Anyway….when I got to Cockermouth, I checked into the hotel, and got shown up to my room.
The owner of the hotel kindly explained the history of the hotel as we walked up flight after flight of stairs….and, then he showed me how to lock the door to my room, and then, how to turn the TV on, and then, how to open the sash window and finally, he showed me how to teach my grandmother to suck eggs.

He was overbearing to say the least…..and, his breath reeked of sour milk….mixed with scrambled eggs…..mixed with shit.

It was most unpleasant.

In the end, I managed to get rid of him by politely telling him that i’d just driven for 4 hours and I was a little bit tired (however, what I WANTED to say was, “Please piss off, you condescending, halitosis mouthed fuckwit…..i’ve just driven 4 hours, and I need a poo and a shower….”).

Eventually…he left….leaving me with the evil scent of his breath hanging in the air…..

I hung my clothes up, kicked my shoes off…..and sprayed a few sprays of after-shave into the air to clear the room of ‘milkyeggshit breath’.

As I turned towards the bed, a weird shape caught my eye…..it looked familiar….but strangely out of place…..

It was an ELEPHANT!
It was an ELEPHANT MADE OF TOWELS!

I stood there for a few moments….just looking at the towel elephant…..and, I couldn’t make up my mind if I liked it….or, if it irritated me.

On the one hand, I had to agree that is WAS a very novel way of folding my towels….and, clearly, someone had gone to the trouble of taking the extra time to twist, fold, roll and bunch my towels together into a miniature Dumbo.
But, on the other hand, I needed a shower….which meant I was going have to destroy the elephant….in order to dry my balls…..and, that felt wrong somehow.

All the while I was in the shower, I kept looking through the shower screen at the elephant….wondering if I should just leave it alone…and drip dry….or, if i should jump out the shower and kick it’s face off.

In the end, I got out of the shower….and dried myself on the tiny bath mat….in order to preserve the origami towel elephant.

It seemed like the kindest thing to do.

A little later….after several beers….and a curry…..I retired to my room for a good nights sleep.

As I got undressed, I flopped down onto the springy mattress…..only for the head of the elephant to fall off it’s body and unravel on the floor of the bedroom.

“Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!”, I shouted.

Sorry Towelly (PS – I named her ‘Towelly’)….we only knew each other for but a brief moment…..it was fun while it lasted….sleep well dear friend….sleep well!

Penises And Croissants

I awoke feeling fully refreshed this morning, as the baby had slept all night……hoo-fucking-ray!

As I lay awake in bed, gently easing myself into the morning, I contemplated whether I needed to do a very big fart…..or, whether I actually needed a poo……or, more alarmingly, whether a fart would lead to an instant poo.

It turned out, I just needed to fart……Elle said it sounded like, “a gaggle of geese“.

As she flapped the quilt to get rid of the fart, I happened to catch a glimpse of the ‘plaster ceiling rose’…..and, the design upon said ‘ceiling rose’.

If you don’t know what a ‘ceiling rose’ is, I’ll tell you……it’s a thick plaster disc that sits in the centre of your ceiling, and usually houses a light fitting.

They vary in size, shape and design……some design’s are more obscure than others……

Here is our ceiling rose design:

So…..here are the names we came up with for our bedroom ceiling rose design:

1. Penises and Croissants

2. Porn Moustaches, Corn Cobs and Superhero Masks

3. Marge Simpson’s Hair, Boomerangs and Handcuffs

4. Tied Shoelaces, Turds and Bananas

It passed a good 5 minutes, and made us both laugh so much, that we woke the baby up…….

Bollocks!

Are YOU able to see any other designs in our ceiling rose?

Answers on a postcard please to:

“Pilchard Rabies Ceiling Rose Competition“.

One lucky winner will win a lifetimes supply of penis flavoured croissants.

Love you……bye!

X

Good Names For Imaginary Rock Bands

Do you ever catch yourself hearing a phrase on the radio or TV like ‘Double Dip Recession’ and think, “Double Dip would be a brilliant name for a rock band”?

Oh, dear…..you don’t?

Well…..this is a bit embarrassing…..

You might want to read something else then…..because today’s blog is about that very subject…..

It probably won’t surprise you to know that I have a selection of great names for imaginary rock/pop/hip hop/R&B groups written down in a book.

You may ask, “Why the fuck do you write down names of imaginary rock bands Rich……that seems like a total waste of time?”

And, I would then answer, “Mind your own business…..”

And, then you would say, “But, Rich….why are you being such a dick about this…..you’re writing a public blog about something stupid….surely, you expected to get some feedback on your strange behaviour?”

And, then I’d say, “No….I expected you to understand…..we’ve been friends for a long time…..why are you being so judgemental?”

And, then you’d say, “I’m bored…..can you start the blog please…..I have things to do”.

And, then I’d say, “Fine…..why didn’t you just say that in the first place…instead of questioning me like the fucking blog Gestapo?”

And, then you’d say, “Whatever, you sensitive prick….”

And, then I’d say, “That was totally uncalled for….say sorry….”

And, then you’d apologise…..and, then we’d have a nice hug…..and, we’d carry on like nothing happened……but, underneath it all….we’d be seething with pent up anger and frustration.

Anyway…..now that we’ve finished arguing…. I’d like to share with you my Top 10 favourite imaginary Rock Band’s and my description of what those bands would be like:

1. The Undescended Testicles
(As heard on Embarrassing Illnesses)

‘The Undescended Testicles’ would be a three piece punk group….a bit like a more hardcore Green Day.
They’d definitely have an unfuckable drummer…..and one of them will have a name like ‘Fozzie’ or something equally ridiculous.

2. The Honey Mustard Source
(As heard on the Subway Advert – Louis Smith ‘Low-Fat Turkey Sub, all the salad, with a honey mustard sauce’)

‘The Honey Mustard Source’ would make dance music……they’ll would have a large breasted black soul diva in the band….and, two weird looking white guys who stand behind keyboards pressing buttons and shit……

3. A Load Of Old Tutt
(As heard on ‘The Apprentice’)

‘A Load of Old Tutt’ would be a ramshackle Indie band…..a bit like The Libertines….they’d definitely have a druggy front man who’ll try to write poetry and draw pictures with a hypodermic needle of his own blood …..and, they’ll be shit…..REALLY shit.

4. Cankles!
(As heard on ‘How To Look Good Naked’)

‘Cankles!’ are a slightly overweight girl group that have been put together by Louis Walsh to fill a gap on the X Factor. They are rubbish…..they can’t sing for toffee…..and, one of them has a giant head….like a helium balloon.

5. Bitch Tits
(Named after Simon Cowell – This is because he insists on wearing a white t-shirt…..and, has clearly visible ‘Bitch Tits’.)

‘Bitch Tits’ are an all girl 4 piece rock group. They are completely furious about men….and the Government and what-not….
Two of ‘Bitch Tits’ are lesbians, 1 of ‘Bitch Tits’ is a bi-sexual and the other one is a massive slag…….Russell Brand will marry the massive slag….

6. The Clarksons
(Named after right-wing, Tesco-jeans-wearing, Top Gear host, Jeremy Clarkson)

‘The Clarksons’ are like Keane….or another one of those bands formed by posh kids at Oxbridge.
They will dress like bohemian tramps, and will, of course wear battered straw hats and vintage waistcoats.
The music will be boring plod rock….and will instantly end up on ‘The Best Father’s Day Album In The World Ever’.

7. Iggle Piggle
(Named after Iggle Piggle from ‘In the Night Garden’ on Cbeebies)

‘Iggle Piggle’ is a ‘grime’ artist.
He’s from Hackney Wick in South London and has been to prison for stabbing a 15 year old girl in KFC.

8. Bobby Dazzler
(As heard on ‘Dickinson’s Real Deal’)

‘Bobby Dazzler’ is an R&B singer.
He’s a UK born Asian…..he wants to have sex with you ALLLLLLL NIGGGGGGHHHHTTT in a heavily autotuned style.
His first single features Lil’ Jon…..who is shouting random words and phrases.
It’s despicable.

9. Naughty Step
(As heard on Supernanny)

‘Naughty Step’ are a 12 member deep Dubstep group from Manchester.
They’ll appear on ‘Later, With Jools Holland’ and they’ll be in some magazines touted as ‘the next big thing’.
They’ll have one big hit, which will be used for an i-pod commercial that everyone will buy.
But, after that, we’ll all realise that they were pretty shit.

10. Vajazzle
(As heard on TOWIE – The Only Way Is Essex)

‘Vajazzle’ are a super-camp disco group that are a cross between the Scissor Sisters and Chic.
They’re really good…..you should buy their new album…..it’s called ‘Hot Wax’.
Vajazzle will probably play the V Festival and Birmingham Gay Pride.
However, none of the band members are actually gay.

Anyway…..that’s it for the time being……but, I have plenty more where they came from…..

However……i’d like YOU, dear readers to add to my list!

Give me the name of your made up band……the type of music they play….and anything else you want……just for shits and giggles like…..

I’m going to give a special prize to my favourite one…….it’s a copy of ‘Hot Wax’ by Vajazzle…….

Love you…..bye!

X