My Disney Dilemma

Early this morning, whilst eating my breakfast, I came across this ‘fun’ clip on You Tube:

So….I thought it would be a great wheeze to show this clip to my eldest daughter in retaliation for 8 years of having to sit through hour upon hour of twee, Disney Princess bollocks.

Having two daughters means, that at any time, I’m only ever 30 minutes away from either seeing a Disney TV show or movie…..or being forced into singing the male part in ‘A Whole New World‘.

We have Disney Princess bath toys (http://wp.me/p31fqD-lK), we have Disney Princess dolls, we have Disney Princess books, and every manner of Disney Princess branded clothing from underpants to pyjamas!

It drives me friggin’ mental.

There’s only so much ‘Disney Princess wank‘ I can take, before I get to the point where I want to smash the kids entire DVD collection with a meat tenderiser, and then, dance naked around a huge bonfire of Disney toys, whilst watching Ariel’s face melt like a hideous grinning candle.

Don’t get me wrong…..I think some of the Disney Princess movies are brilliant (Brave, Beauty & the Beast, Princess & the Frog), but, when you’ve seen them all 50 FUCKING TIMES, it just gets too much for me to bear.

So….when I got home, I showed Elle the clip, to make sure she thought it was suitable (I have to do this, since I got caught out showing Edie ‘Jaws’).
Elle thought it was funny……so I called Edie downstairs to show her the clip.

In retrospect, I probably should’ve pre-warned Edie that a selection of her favourite childhood characters were all going to be killed in a series if noggin based explosions…….but, I didn’t…….

Bollocks!

Within 20 seconds of watching the Snow White portion of the clip, I could see tears forming in her eyes……..and, within 30 seconds, she’d run into the kitchen in floods of tears shouting, “I hate you, Dad“!

This was not the reaction I was expecting…..I genuinely thought she’d find it funny…..I’d completely misjudged Edie’s love for animated fantasy figures…..and now, I was the worst dad in the entire world.

Eventually, Edie calmed down, and I solemnly promised never to show her this clip EVER AGAIN!

But, even though i’d profusely apologised, and pinky promised not to talk about it again…..Edie CONTINUED to make me feel extremely guilty about defiling the sanctity of the Disney Corporation throughout the ENTIRE dog walk….she actually told me I’d performed, “crimes against Disney“, and I should be, “put in prison“!

In order to lighten the mood, I asked Edie who her favourite Disney Princesses were……she had a long think, and reeled off the following list:

1. Merida (Brave)
2. Mulan
3. Tiana (Princess & the Frog)
4. Rapunzel (Tangled)
5. Belle (Beauty & the Beast)
6. Giselle (Enchanted)
7. Cinderella
8. Jasmine (Aladdin)
9. Pocahontas
10. Ariel (The Little Mermaid)
11. Snow White
12. Aurora (Sleeping Beauty)

I asked….”Why is Sleeping Beauty your least favourite Disney Princess?”

Edie had a long think….and replied, “She’s boring….the film is boring…..and, the songs are terrible…..you can blow HER head up if you want!”

So…..in a nutshell…..it’s completely sacrosanct to blow up the head of a Disney Princess…..unless it’s Aurora from Sleeping Beauty……because, she’s shit!

Baby’s Cry Penetrates Skull Like A Sledgehammer Made Of Noise

Right………before I get started with my moan, I have to say that, a) I REALLY LOVE my children and, b) I would NEVER EVER hurt them.

However……

If Bridie continues to cry all the fucking time, like she is at the moment…..I WILL lock her in the cellar……

Seriously…..

Bridie is teething………which I’m sure is incredibly painful and uncomfortable……but for fucks sake…..could you stop crying for one cocking minute??

All over the Easter weekend the constant grating sound of her incessant moaning just wears you down……and this makes me want to drop kick her through an open window (Please note: I WOULD NEVER ACTUALLY DROP KICK HER THROUGH AN OPEN WINDOW……).

Last night, at approx 2am she started with her ‘basic’ murmur which goes a bit like this:

“Uuuuuuuuuggggghhhhhh……….uuuuuuuugggghhhhhhh……..uuuuuuuuugggggghhhhhhh”

Both Elle and I woke up……although, I pretended to be asleep so Elle would get up and tend to the baby (hey….I might be lazy, but at least i’m honest!).

We both listened to her gentle moans for about 5 minutes before I whispered, “shall we leave her for a bit to see if she goes back off?”
“Yeah….let’s see if she’ll settle herself back down”, Elle answered.

The murmuring subsided for a few minutes…….we thought she’d settled back down…….she hadn’t…..

“Uh ha ha ha…….heh heh heh heh haaaaaaaaaaa……..uh ha ha ha”

This is her ‘advanced’ cry, which sounds like a cross between a broken car, a cough and a laugh……and, it gets progressively louder and more intense.

It’s REALLY FUCKING IRRITATING…….especially at 2am.

I know you may be reading this thinking…..what terrible parents……why don’t they go in and settle the baby back down?

Well…..first of all….mind your own business……and second of all, it took us nearly a year to get her to sleep through the night…..so, we’ll do anything NOT to go into her room when she wakes up, because, as soon as she claps her eyes on you…..you’re fucked…..for the rest of the night!

So, there we are…..in bed…..with our fingers crossed…..hoping and praying that she’ll drop back off.

Eventually…….the cry that sounds like a cross between a broken car, a cough and a laugh turns into:

“Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaggggggggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhh…….aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaagggggggggghhhhhhhhhhh”

This is her ‘professional’ cry, and is usually interspersed with gaps of silence (breath holds), which then provides Bridie the additional vocal power of a ‘thrash metal’ singer.

Now we’re in REAL trouble.

This ‘angry cry’ is the one that sounds EXACTLY like a rusty bandsaw cutting through a knot of hard oak…….or a Black & Decker drill struggling to force it’s way into an engineering brick.

It’s a truly horrific noise…..and, it makes my brain rattle inside my skull.

At this point, it’s about 2.40am.
I’ve fully buried my head under the pillow, and Elle is stomping about in a mood, preparing herself for a couple of hours downstairs with the worlds angriest baby.

It’s a good job I love the baby so much…..because THAT cry makes me really, really, really dislike her…..but, only for about an hour…..or two…..

If you’re a parent, you’ll understand this level of frustration…….

If you’re not a parent, i’ll be expecting a call from Social Services tomorrow morning!