Love In A Time Of Austerity (a.k.a – Happy Birthday Elle)

JESUS FUCKING CHRIST ON A COCKING BIKE!!!!

Have you ever been so frustrated that you could quite happily flip out and smash your house to pieces with a garden spade?

Have you ever felt that everything you touch turns to shit?

Have you ever felt so cheesed off that you could quite happily masquerade as a brie in the dairy aisle at Asda?

Have you ever been so short of cash that you’ve seriously contemplated working part time as an overweight rent boy?

You have?

Me too!

As I’ve mentioned before…..on numerous occasions…..we’re a little short of funds at the moment……

If our bank account were a Hollywood actor, it’d be that bloke who plays Mini Me in Austin Powers….. THAT’S how ‘short’ we are in the disposable income department.

And….it’s completely our fault (It’s TOTALLY MY fault really).
We spent the money (I spent ALL the money).
We ran up the debts (I ran up the vast majority of the debts).
We made bad financial decisions (I made NUMEROUS EXTREMELY bad financial decisions).

So….the Davies family find themselves in a position of austerity.

Sure, we manage to cover our bills……and, we definitely don’t starve (duh! – have you seen my gut?)….but….at the moment….we simply don’t have ANY spare cash for ‘luxuries’.

So….the knock on effect of this, is that after taking Edie to Warwick Castle and the Fusion Festival a few weeks ago….there was next to no money left for me to by Elle a birthday present!

Elle is going to be 39.

Did I mention she’s going to be 39?

It’s her 39th birthday tomorrow.

She’s 39……

I’m only 38……just thought I’d mention it in passing!

So…..I’ve been racking my brains all week to come up with some kind of plan as to how to create a special birthday on a tight budget (£20)……and this is what I came up with:

Elle’s Austerity Gift Box:

1 x Packet of Jammie Dodger Biscuits
(Reason – These were the biscuits I took round to her house on our 1st date)
Price = £1.09

1 x 10p Mix Up (Containing Dip Dab, Flying Saucers, Bazooka Joe)
(Reason – We originally met at school…..and 10p mix up’s remind me of being a child)
Price = £1.75 (Rip Off Britain)

1 x Block of Watermelon Soap (It ACTUALLY looks like a slice of watermelon….with seeds and everything).
(Reason – Elle stinks of shit and she should wash more often).
Price = £2.75

1 x Bag of Thornton’s Mixed Fudge
(Reason – No reason….Elle loves fudge and it was on special offer in Tesco’s)
Price = £2.50

1 x Copy of The Snowman by Jo Nesbo
(Reason – Elle likes books about murder…..specifically ‘Nordic Noir’ books about murder).
Price = £2.00 (From Oxfam Books in Kings Heath)

1 x Homemade CD
(Reason – I wanted to make a CD which truly conveys how I feel about our Elle…..I think I succeeded as she was in tears when I returned from walking the dog.)
Price = £0.25p

1 x Homemade Book of Austerity Vouchers
(Reason – I made a book of 20 ‘vouchers’ which contained a variety of bullshit ‘treats’ for Elle to ‘claim’ at her leisure…..including: 2 x Disappointing Sex Sessions, 3 x Cup’s of Tea (made by me without moaning), 2 x Foot Massages, 1 x Compliment, 1 x Day to Herself, 1 x Trip to the Spar shop by Richard on a Sunday evening when he really can’t be arsed and he’s already settled down for the evening).
Price = £Free

1 x Homemade Chocolate Cheesecake
(Reason – I couldn’t face making a birthday cake, so I knocked up a ‘baked’ cheesecake…..plus, Elle likes both chocolate AND cheese).
Price = £307.35

But, why did the cheesecake cost over £300, I hear you ask???
Well, all of the ingredients came via Lidl and cost £7.35…..I knocked it up on Saturday afternoon and popped it into a bain marie to cook to cheesy cakey perfection.

About 40 minutes into the cooking, I opened the oven to check that it hadn’t burnt……

It hadn’t burnt…..

It also hadn’t fucking cooked!

I checked the oven temperature……it was set at 180 degrees…..the fan was whirring away…..but the oven was stone cold!

“BASTARD FUCKING COCKING FUCK COCK ARSEHOLE“, I shouted.

There I am, trying to keep costs down, and create a little birthday treat for my Mrs on an extremely tight budget…..and the fucking oven chooses to fucking pack up right at that fucking inopportune fucking moment…..

Bollocks!

Why is it that when you’re struggling for cash, all of the mechanical items in the house decide to break down like a massive inconvenient arsehole?

Cuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuunnnnnnnnnnt!

So, I had to drive over to my mom’s house and cook the cheesecake in their oven…..I picked it up earlier today…..it was really sickly….and contains about 1,000 calories per slice….I don’t think Elle really enjoyed it…..but she choked it down to please me because she knew how fucked off I was about the oven!

That’s why I love her!

So…..up until making the cheesecake, i’d spent a grand total of £17.69 on Elle’s austerity birthday box…..

Result!

I’ve just got to find another £300 to replace the oven!

Happy Birthday Elle….I love you….sorry for spending all our money and for being a twat.

Right…….who’d like a blow job?