How I Stack Up In Comparison To TV Dad’s (Not Transvestite Dad’s)

Today is Father’s Day…..

If I was being negative (Really, Rich? You? Negative?), i’d say that Father’s Day is a manufactured celebration formulated by greetings card companies in order for them to make more money…..just like Valentines Day!

But, if I was being positive, I’d say that Father’s Day is a good time to reflect on what makes your own Dad great……and, then thank him for being a wonderful, positive influence in your life (by buying him some socks and a shitty card)….unless, of course, if he’s a complete and utter douchebag…..and, if that is the case….then, FUCK HIM…..he doesn’t deserve you!

As we all know, there’s no ‘guide‘ to being a successful parent….children don’t come with a user manual….so, being a ‘good dad‘ is a completely unquantifiable concept.

So, what makes a ‘good dad‘?

Well….if you looked to the media for an answer, you’d quickly see that most ‘TV dad’s‘ are routinely portrayed as bumbling, feckless idiots…..for example:

Homer Simpson (The Simpsons)
Peter Griffin (Family Guy)
Daddy Pig (Peppa Pig)
Jim Royle (The Royle Family)
Frank Gallagher (Shameless)
Ray Barone (Everybody Loves Raymond)

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-2340677/Why-does-TV-portray-dad-dimwit.html?ito=feeds-newsxml

Thankfully, I’ve managed to bluff my way through the last 8 years of being a dad to my two daughters….and, I’d like to think that by and large, I’ve just about scraped by.

Both kids seem pretty well adjusted, and, they both seem pretty healthy and happy…..but, most importantly, they don’t outwardly appear to despise me….which, I’ll take as positive feedback on my dad ability.

So, earlier today, I asked Edie which of these TV dad’s I was most like……

And, here’s what she said:

“You look like Peter Griffin, you’re lazy like Homer, and, you’re fat like Daddy Pig…..but, most of all, you remind me of the daddy in Modern Family”

Brilliant!

I’m most like Phil Dunphy…..

I ‘think‘ I’m cool….but, really, I’m totally uncool and REALLY embarrassing!

Yes!!!!! My mission is complete……

Happy Father’s Day. x

P.S. – Who is your dad most like on TV?
Brian Davies (My dad) is most like Gene Hunt from Life on Mars.

Classholes……

According to a new BBC survey, there are now 7 social classes…………who knew?

160,000 people have taken the new test, which has found that the old-fashioned ‘three class system’ which was originally defined by occupation, wealth and education is now obselete.
Social, cultural and economic changes mean that the traditional ‘Upper/Middle/Lower Class’ is much more fragmented and diverse.

I’ve always considered myself ‘working class’…..although, I grew up in a ‘lower middle class’ background.

However, for some reason, I AM a bit of a class warrior……I don’t really know why…..but i’m ALWAYS very uncomfortable around posh people (when I watch the advert for ‘Made In Chelsea’, I want to jump into the TV and beat them ALL to death with a tin of caviar).

I also have a real issue with hipster middle class types……you know the ones……they’ll be down at the farmers market, buying organic, ethical raspberries from a yurt owning hippy commune in Surrey……they’ll have children with stupid names like ‘Conker’ and ‘Brunhilda’, and the mom will bake cupcakes with her smiling children in a perfect fucking Ikea kitchen while her bearded wanker of a husband watches Top Gear before taking the chocolate labrador out for a hike.

……and, relax……….

Anyway…..as I said…..I’ve always considered myself ‘working class’……because, I work in a normal job (I sell beer to pubs), I live in a normal house (suburban terraced) and, I live from hand to mouth (like the rest of the ‘normal’ people in the UK).

We cover our bills….we don’t starve (obviously…..have you SEEN my belly recently?)….we have the basic Sky TV package….I drive a (dented) Toyota Yaris….our house is warm in winter and we have presents at Christmas.
We don’t wear designer clothes (my jeans are from Sainsbury’s….but, please don’t tell anyone!)….we don’t go on foreign holidays (last holiday was a £10 Daily Mail voucher thing that my Dad collected for me)….we certainly don’t have ANY savings….and our house is a filthy, stinky shitbox.

I wanted to find out where I stood……I wanted to find out which ‘class demographic’ I now belong to (although, it’s blatantly all a right load of old bollocks).

So…..I completed the on-line survey via the link below:

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/magazine-22000973

The test was designed by Professor Mike Savage (London School of Economics and Political Science), alongside Professor Fiona Devine (University of Manchester).

Turns out, according to this new survey………..i’m a ‘New Affluent Worker’!!

Oh, really?

The definition of New Affluent Workers is:

This youthful class group is economically secure, without being well off. These people have high scores for emerging culture, such as watching sport, going to gigs and using social media.

Well……that description is incorrect in THREE places……1) I’m not ‘Young’ (I’m 38 on Friday!), 2) ‘Economically Secure’ is NOT a phrase I would associate with my bank account (Economically Fucked is more accurate) and, 3) ‘Going to Gigs??’…..the last ‘gig’ I went to was the ‘Wiggles’ in Concert at the N.I.A!

In a nutshell, whatever pigeon-hole they want to put us into won’t make the slightest bit of difference to my life…..there are only two classes……’Us’ and ‘Them’.

POWER TO THE PEOPLE…….VIVE LA REVOLUTION!

NHS Money ‘Well Spent’ On Hideous Plastic Norked Liar

Josie Cunningham.
22.
From Leeds.

We (the taxpaying public), have just paid £4,800 for her to have her jugs enlarged from a 32A to a 36DD.

I’m trying really, really hard not to get all ‘Daily Mail’ on her ass……but……

“THE MOTHER OF TWO ASPIRES TO BE THE NEXT KATIE PRICE AND IS PREPARING TO LAUNCH A CAREER AS A TOPLESS MODEL”

I’m sure this is EXACTLY what Nye Bevan had in mind when he built the foundation for the NHS.

I completely understand that there are huge amounts of women (and men) that are unhappy with aspects of their physique…..i’m one of them…..I suspect you are too.

I completely appreciate that the knock-on effect of this unhappiness can lead to depression and self harm in SOME extreme cases.

If you have a giant hook nose that makes you look like an eagle…..fine….i’ll contribute to your surgery.
If you have a hair lip that stops you from playing the trumpet……no problem….i’ll contribute to your surgery.
If you’ve lost loads of weight and your excess flab makes your body look like an empty pajama case…..i’m cool with it….i’ll contribute to your surgery.

However…..having breast enlargement surgery for the sole purpose of becoming the next Katie Price is wrong on a number of levels.

Josie would have you believe that she deperately needed this operation because she ‘lived in terror’ of EVER being seen in a bikini, and her small boobs were ‘ruining her life’.

In reality, it appears that Josie has completely manipulated the system (and several doctors) for her own gain……and that doesn’t really seem fair…..does it?

Josie may now have her giant plastic norks…..but, she still has a face like a melted wellington boot, and hilarious thick eyebrows that look like they’ve been drawn on with a bingo marker.

You know that she’ll be in NUTS Magazine in the next few weeks gurning like a twat as she miraculously ‘finds her confidence’….for money.

I’m now ‘living in terror’ of accidentally stumbling across a topless photo of Josie, as the permanent damage that this would do to my retina could cost the NHS millions to put right……