How I Stack Up In Comparison To TV Dad’s (Not Transvestite Dad’s)

Today is Father’s Day…..

If I was being negative (Really, Rich? You? Negative?), i’d say that Father’s Day is a manufactured celebration formulated by greetings card companies in order for them to make more money…..just like Valentines Day!

But, if I was being positive, I’d say that Father’s Day is a good time to reflect on what makes your own Dad great……and, then thank him for being a wonderful, positive influence in your life (by buying him some socks and a shitty card)….unless, of course, if he’s a complete and utter douchebag…..and, if that is the case….then, FUCK HIM…..he doesn’t deserve you!

As we all know, there’s no ‘guide‘ to being a successful parent….children don’t come with a user manual….so, being a ‘good dad‘ is a completely unquantifiable concept.

So, what makes a ‘good dad‘?

Well….if you looked to the media for an answer, you’d quickly see that most ‘TV dad’s‘ are routinely portrayed as bumbling, feckless idiots…..for example:

Homer Simpson (The Simpsons)
Peter Griffin (Family Guy)
Daddy Pig (Peppa Pig)
Jim Royle (The Royle Family)
Frank Gallagher (Shameless)
Ray Barone (Everybody Loves Raymond)

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-2340677/Why-does-TV-portray-dad-dimwit.html?ito=feeds-newsxml

Thankfully, I’ve managed to bluff my way through the last 8 years of being a dad to my two daughters….and, I’d like to think that by and large, I’ve just about scraped by.

Both kids seem pretty well adjusted, and, they both seem pretty healthy and happy…..but, most importantly, they don’t outwardly appear to despise me….which, I’ll take as positive feedback on my dad ability.

So, earlier today, I asked Edie which of these TV dad’s I was most like……

And, here’s what she said:

“You look like Peter Griffin, you’re lazy like Homer, and, you’re fat like Daddy Pig…..but, most of all, you remind me of the daddy in Modern Family”

Brilliant!

I’m most like Phil Dunphy…..

I ‘think‘ I’m cool….but, really, I’m totally uncool and REALLY embarrassing!

Yes!!!!! My mission is complete……

Happy Father’s Day. x

P.S. – Who is your dad most like on TV?
Brian Davies (My dad) is most like Gene Hunt from Life on Mars.

Valentines Day Cards Don’t Say What I Want Them To Say…….

I don’t do Valentines Day.
Elle doesn’t do Valentines Day either.

I think that Valentines Day is cool if, A) You’re a teenager, or B) You’ve been together for about 2 years….and you still love each other…because you don’t know ANY better.

However, when you’ve been together for 10 years, you have two kids, you’re tired all the time, you have no money and you occasionally grunt at each other in between passing wind on the settee…..then a Valentines Day card doesn’t really articulate what you want to say to your ‘life partner’.

Instead of “Dear Sexy, you make me feel so happy”…..it’s more accurate to send a card that says “I love you, but can you please not overload the mother fucking kitchen bin because now I have fucking mashed banana all over my hand”.

Instead of “To my Valentine, you’re the sun, moon and stars”…..a more appropriate verse would be “Of course I still fucking love you, thanks for putting up with me and not leaving….can we have sex at some point in the near future?”

So…Fuck You Hallmark…..you are way off base!

As I mentioned before, I am in admiration of my lovely Mrs for a number a reasons…..however, I think this story outlines her love for me in gory detail:

Our Edie had just been born and Elle was still recovering from MAJOR abdominal surgery after a C-section.
I went out to ‘wet the baby’s head’ with a few of the lads.

Before I left the house, Elle said, “Enjoy yourself, but don’t come back wrecked!”.
I dutifully replied, “Ok love…” and merrily skipped out the front door to play with my friends……

We all met up at the Red Lion in Kings Heath.
I drank Staropramen.
That’s all I remember of the actual evening…..until…

I stumbled out of the cab and spent 10 minutes outside the front door, A) Composing myself, B) Trying to find my front door keys, C) Taking in a lungful of fresh air to stop myself from vomiting.

I eventually made it into the house……kicked off my trainers and walked out of my jeans leaving them on the floor. I stumbled into the toilet and had the worlds longest and noisiest piss.
After I had regained my focus, I made my way upstairs to bed.
On the stairs, there was an empty IKEA waste bin that had been emptied earlier that day….

It’s amazing how far you can spray vomit when you do it into a mesh IKEA waste bin.

As I proceeded to empty the entire contents of my stomach onto the carpet, I looked up to see Elle standing at the top of the stairs…….she looked unhappy!

I looked up at her…I was cuddling a mesh bin full of vomit and wearing what can only be described as ‘a beard of sick’.

“I’ve been a bit sick Elle”, I said……

She just looked at me…..and calmly said, “For fucks sake Rich…..get in the bath”.

I waddled off downstairs with my bin of sick and ran a bath, whilst the love of my life scooped up pieces of iceberg lettuce and peanuts.

As I lay in the bathtub with the room spinning and my chin and chest covered in a combination of beer, kebab meat and bile I looked through my one eye to see Elle holding the baby in one arm whilst mopping up the devastation I had caused.

I knew it was true love…..

Put THAT in a Valentines card Mr. Hallmark!!